It’s something to finally think about this blog, go through the effort of getting access to it again, and looking through the old accounts and friends I had. Lots of deactivated accounts. It’s been nearly 6 years. Isn’t that something.
I used to think I'd get over everything, but everything just got over me.
about Got something to say? Go ahead, I won't mind.
about Got something to say? Go ahead, I won't mind.
July 24, 2023
July 17, 2017
I wish I knew why I keep feeling this way. it’s been 8 months. it’s been forever. why do I keep thinking of you. why can’t I just let it go. I want to be happy again. I want to forget everything we did and pretend you never came into my life. I want to wake up and feel ok. I want to be able to go through a day without thinking of you, wondering what you’re doing, wondering if you’re with someone, wondering what you’ve got in your system, wondering if you’re OK. I want this to stop. it needs to stop. I can’t keep doing this anymore. I’m so tired of it. I’m just so fucking tired and all I want is you to come back and it’s never going to happen, I burnt the bridge then nuked it then salted the earth it stood on. this isn’t fair. I’m so tired.
July 11, 2017
Rant.
I don’t really know what I want anymore.
I’m tired. All the time. I just can’t care about anything. I wake up. Have coffee. Have smoke. Shower. Pack up my shit. Go to work. Try to stay focused enough to get something done. Avoid coworkers. Go home. Make supper. Crash in bed. Try to sleep. Can’t. Try a bit more. Can’t. Get up. Do something. Anything to shut my mind off. Either tire myself out or fall asleep in the chair with a guitar in my hands.
Nothing I do feels good enough. Nothing I write comes out the way I want. Nothing I draw is something someone would want to hang up. Nothing I work on feels fulfilling, or like something I’d want to do.
I had so many ideas. So many plans. So many things I wanted to do. And I just don’t give of a fuck to do them. I spend all of my willpower trying to keep myself under control and I can’t. Nothing works anymore. Nothing happens. I lose myself. I lost myself a long time ago.
I don’t have anyone up here. What I was scared would happen has happened. I’m in a city of a million people with next to no friends. And the friends I do have don’t call, or text, or ask to hang out. Maybe they’re not friends. I don’t know.
And I can’t go home anymore without getting tensed up. Tensed that I’ll fuck something up. I’m so tired of feeling like that.
I’m an outsider in every group I know. Wanderlust broken.
Wanderlust broken, wandering brokenhearted.
June 29, 2017
I can’t remember the last time I felt this alone.
Halifax? Maybe. But as crappy as I felt in Hali I still had people to do things with.
I can go and fool around with as many girls as I want and all I’m doing is just trying to fake the feeling I once had. I can go out and party and I’m barely keeping my head on straight. I can’t go home anymore and let myself unwind because I just get tensed and nervous that I’ll hear something.
I just want that feeling back again. Let me come over and fake it for a night, darling, it’s all I want.
May 29, 2017
How often do I wish I just wouldn’t wake up?
May 3, 2017
Don’t cry.
With my toes on the edge, it’s such a lovely view.
Don’t cry.
I never loved anything until I loved you.
Inside.
I’m over the edge, what can I do?
Shine.
I happen to think it’s all like you.
April 24, 2017
Maybe you’re better off this way.
April 16, 2017
Sometimes when my mind loses itself I write. Sometimes it’s good. Sometimes it’s not.
April 10, 2017
Gonna take back what you stole.
I’m gonna take back control.
March 30, 2017
I just want you out of my head.
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